why I am glad I was “forever alone”

not_alone

I love the way laughter erupts like a volcano from you, and how it never comes softly.

I love the way sometimes your eyes catch the light in a way that makes them even more magnificent than they are in the dim light of an evening. And believe, they are 50 shades of beautiful then, too.

I love the way you focus, with everything in you, on one thing at a time. You devote yourself to it.

I love the way I am confident that the same devotion will be shown to me for a long, long time.

You guessed it. Those genuine and vomit-provoking (for some of you) sentences came from a place in my heart that is so full of love and affection for the incredible guy I get to call mine.

But two years ago, I would’ve laughed had you said those words would be coming from me.

Yeah right, this girl is riding solo. #singlelife

Looking back, I am so incredibly thankful that I waited until I was seventeen to be in a relationship. Granted, I am an old soul. At fifteen, I spent my Sunday afternoons crocheting and baking lemon pound cakes. I even enjoy wear night gowns to bed..the ones my Nanny’s mother wore. So, there that is.

But even then, I was learning to love life. I was falling in love with Jesus. I was finding beauty in myself that I didn’t need confirmed by another person. 

And for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for that night after work when a guy told me we could go grab some food, but then ended up going out with another girl. And since I wasn’t supposed to be home until later, I sat in my car and read. That book rocked my world. I didn’t need a date to make my night beautiful.

I am thankful that I didn’t settle for whatever came along. That in that season of life God wasn’t calling me to be in a relationship with anyone but Him. 

Although I was never miserable being single, I remember posting things about being “forever alone.”

I remember how my eyes lost a little bit of their sparkle every time I typed it out. It was like typing, maybe-I-am-not-good-enough. Maybe-in-enjoying-this-season-I-failed-to-realize-that-I-will-never-find-anyone. I-will-never-be-someone’s-“everything.”

Now I think about how many times God was saying, “You are never alone.” 

There I was complaining about being alone forever and ever, and Scripture is screaming “NO!”

Never, ever, ever are you alone, baby girl.

I will never leave you nor forsake you. 

I wasn’t letting that life-changing proclamation sink in. I was, instead, listening to Taylor Swift and Seventeen.

So, yes, I am overwhelmingly thankful that I know I am in love with someone who makes me happy and loves me no matter what.

But I am also thankful that I experienced a time that allowed me to find out who I was first–who I am in Christ.

I am thankful that I fell in love with words, with books that took me all over the world, with people who were much older or younger than me but taught me important things about life. I fell in love with the way an empty seat beside me in the car or at a restaurant didn’t need to be filled.

Because I was never alone. God was wrapping me in His love and preparing me before I fell in love with a boy with big, blue eyes and a heart of gold. 

♥jm

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